


A woman's right to wear bags

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Lord Peter Wimsey - Dorothy L. Sayers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-22
Updated: 2007-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 03:37:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1629464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shrewsbury calls in its most famous graduate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A woman's right to wear bags

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: In defense of Shrewsbury bags. A little unkind, perhaps. 
> 
> Written for Taelle

 

 

"Oh dear, not again," said Miss Lydgate. 

Miss Martin dropped into her chair in the SCR, tossing the cut and pasted note onto the table for scrutiny. 

"Revolting I'm afraid," said the Dean. "'YOUR TYPE BURN, YOU B-',"

"Who was the unfortunate recipient?" asked the Warden. 

"Miss Parkis. She had all her Chaucer notes swept off her desk and into the fire before hall. The pest also de-bagged her; trousers hanging in the wardrobe cut clean through the middle! Now Parkis says she will make them into a pair of shorts to assault the poltergeist with her legs on the tennis court."

"What time did Miss Parkis leave her room? Hall was almost deafening tonight, there couldn't have been too many students who stayed away," said Miss Shaw. 

"No good, I'm afraid. She went to the library for an hour and took tea with Miss Hart and co. before that." 

"What I find intriguing is how well timed the attacks are," said Miss Lydgate with exasperated wonder. "How was the poison pen to know Miss Parkis would be away from her room so long? And all the attacks are like this; occurring when no one can be accounted for because the entire college is going from here to there."

"It also seems to happened at the most dangerous times to be dropping pasted letters and destroying property. Anyone might look in on a student at that time of day," said Miss Hillyard. 

"It is this reckless sort of behaviour that's disturbing; no fear of being caught must be a sign of mental disturbance," said Miss Shaw. 

"I think it's more likely that she does it when she does it because no one can ever be accounted for outside those times when we should all be together," said Miss Martin, wearily. "I will get on to why I asked you all to stay in the SCR after hall. After much discussion the Warden and I have decided to ask in outside help to put a stop to these ridiculous disturbances."

"The police?" cried Miss Lydgate. "Oh, are you certain? I would not like to bring such attention to the culprit. Embarrassing the college seems their only real motive."

"No, not the police. We are in great need of a second opinion, a clear-headed opinion that has some experience in understanding mysteries and likely some knowledge of the psychological motives of a poison pen. Miss Harriet Vane will be invited to come and give us her opinion. She has also had some experience with real-life criminal investigations. We will ask her to come down for the opening of the New Library." 

"Miss Vane? You are inviting a fictional detective writer to find the college pest?" said Miss Hillyard. "That's preposterous."

"Well, I don't expect Robert Templeton to walk in from St. Cross Road, but that is the general idea. We are hoping her experience with the detective genre may shed some light on the identity, or motive of the perpetrator."

"What's more she's one of our own. We can ask for her assistance and know that the matter will go no further," said the Warden. 

"One of us? At one time, perhaps she was. More recent evidence may suggest otherwise," said Miss Hillyard, acidly. "How can we expect the inventor of fictional crimes and criminals to find the poison pen? A psychologist who deals will actual fixations and anti-social behaviour in real life would be far more appropriate." 

"Until the destruction of Miss Lydgate's prosody, the poison pen's misadventures have been confined to rather annoying nuisances and silly threatening letters. It was my idea that she might be getting inspiration from detective novels. Miss Vane is very familiar with these books and the most frequently described methods. After examining the evidence Miss Vane might be able to pinpoint her next move and ours." 

"I believe murder is the most frequently described method of wreaking havoc in these books," replied Miss Hillyard. 

Miss Chilperic gasped. 

"Miss Hillyard, are there any suspicious you have that you would like to bring to the attention of the SCR?" asked the Warden, austerely. "The Dean and I are not aware of any serious threat to anyone in this college." 

"I was only highlighting how inexperienced Miss Vane would be to handle the situation. Creating fictional motives for fictional murderers is one thing. This campaign has been extended to everyone in the college for an unknown significance. I don't see how Miss Vane is more capable handle the situation then ourselves." 

The science tutor Miss Edwards, a smallish woman with gold pince-nez, spoke in a reedy voice. "While I admire Miss Vane's novels for their ingenuity, I do wonder at her suitability to assist the college. Her books give the illusion of the scientific method; independent observation to generate new theories of a crime, but it is an entire fabrication, of course. The truth, the fictional truth, is known to the author and then the evidence is devised and only then are theories of the crime are established." 

"Not to mention that people in real life often don't act like they do in detective novels; hopelessly leaving clues about the place," said Miss Hillyard. "Crimes are committed without leaving evidence and the criminal is never caught."

"But there are clues. We have been collecting the pasted letters and I have been keeping track of the dates in my day book for the last few weeks," replied the Dean. "Miss Vane has had the experience of being a crown witness in a murder investigation. And I believe she also worked with the police and Lord Peter Wimsey to solve the mystery. Her expertise might be in fictional crime but the Warden and I believe we can benefit from her experiences." 

"Isn't that asking a bit much of her? She isn't a criminologist. It's this Lord Peter Wimsey, the so-called celebrated amateur detective, that solved both murder investigations if you believe the papers."

"I didn't know you read the London rags, Miss Hillyard," said the Dean, derisively. 

Miss Shaw said abruptly, "I agree with Miss Hillyard. None of Miss Vane's books are written independent of bias or the theory of the crime. None of her observations are scientific. I think a psychologist is a more rational suggestion." 

Miss de Vine who had been silently observing the conversation spoke up, "Should observation always be independent of theory?" 

'Oh lord,' thought the Dean. 'No Murder in the Pot tonight; there goes the next hour.'

"Of course," said Miss Hillyard, shortly. "Observation, any scientific observation of the material world whether it be chemistry, anthropology or the review of historical manuscripts should be conducted without the taint of personal bias."

"But how can any observation be so divorced from theory? A priori predictions are crucial to inform and direct the focus of a research project," said Miss de Vine. 

"Theory informs ideas, but the act of observation should be completely divorced from preconceptions of the experimentalist or scholar. Otherwise, whose conclusions could be trusted?" 

"Surely it is impossible to do so. Perhaps in the pure sciences one may observe and record; but the interpretation of documents must be in the context of theory already in one's head. One may record everything of importance, find evidence to support or demolish a pet theory - but completely overlook the significance of something not relevant to the theory under study," said Miss Lydgate. 

"Yes, though should the documents be re-examined with the second theory under study then I should find an exciting break through about something entirely different," said Miss Chilperic warmly at finding something to add. 

"I once asked this same question to a physics class. They all agreed and so I asked them to take a pencil and a sheet of paper and observe. "

"Observe what, Miss Edwards?" 

"That's what they said. Observation must be informed consciously by theory. Or how do we know what is of importance? In my opinion, theory guides the aim of scholarship. It sets the hare running inside your head to devise an experiment that will answer the question. But the observation should take place under the rigorous scientific method."

"About a hundred years ago there was much talk that geologists ought to observe and not theorise. And it was said that at this rate a man may go into a gravel-pit and count only the pebbles and describe the colours," said Miss de Vine. 

"And someone else said, how odd it is that anyone should not see that all observation must be for or against some view if it is to be of any service!" said the Warden with enthusiasm. "I had quite forgotten Darwin." 

"Well, we have decided that all scholars should spend eight back-breaking years of hard work in the pea-garden before confirming to a thesis. God help us all!" cried the Dean, laughing. 

"Gregor Mendel was the finest experimentalist of his time or any since," said Miss Edwards, cheerfully defending one of her own. 

The Dean laughed, "But perhaps lacking a bit of confidence in his own ideas." 

"But perhaps we are beyond the point. Can anyone provide any reasonable objection to informing Miss Vane of our situation and hearing her opinion?" said the Warden. 

"I do not see why these matters cannot be dealt with by ourselves," said Miss Shaw. "An investigation of the first years would be a profitable first step. Perhaps they should all be interviewed and asked if anyone has been acting oddly. Staying up all hours, burning papers, out of their rooms all night."

"Interrogate the first-years?" said the Dean. "Good lord, we should put the wind up the Poison Pen and terrify the rest."

"Some tactful questions might go a fair way without putting any of the students under suspicion," said Miss Shaw.

"What questions? And to whom?" said the Warden. "I cannot have all the students in this college treated as if they are under suspicion." 

"Perhaps the third year JCR may-" 

"It might just as easily as be a third as a first year. It is all speculation."

"Just," said Miss Hillyard, "as it might easily be one of ourselves." 

The conversation halted and a numbing silence fell between the dons. 

"I understand that you may feel this is an unusual approach to catching the culprit," said the Warden. "But if nothing else Miss Vane may be able to advise us on our course of action and who we might rely on for help without causing distress to the good name of this college and the progress of women's education."

"Do I have your agreement in letting Miss Vane into our confidence?"

The dons nodded. 

"I'll write to her at once," said the Dean, pushing out of her chair to stand. "I do hope she can find the pest or it will never be safe to wear my flannel bags again." 

 


End file.
